In keeping with a fine, old tradition in this space — never write a bad column when you can steal a good one — here are some of the more amusing stories making the e-mail rounds, with thanks to Wayne Flaaten, Ern Wiley, Jim Parker and Julie Molnar.

Finding man's best friend

A  dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:  

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you? 

Best real headlines of 2007

— Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says.

— Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

— Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.

— Miners refuse to work after death.

— Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.

— War dims hope for peace.

— Red tape holds up new bridges.

— New study of obesity looks for larger test group.

— Kids make nutritious snacks.

— Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead.

Literally, the fear of God

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar robbing her home of its valuables and she yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture"? asked the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two .38's!"

Just follow the instructions

— On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

— On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

— On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

— On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."

— On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

— On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

— On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

— On a string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

— On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."

— On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

— On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

For better or for worse

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

****

 Young woman: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten all your burdens."

Young man: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles or burdens."

Young woman: "That's because we're not married yet."  

****

A newly married man asked his wife: "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!" 

****

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

Boyfriend's reply: "Thanks for the early warning."

**** 

A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looks at her from head to toe and replies: "I like your sense of humor."

****

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no."

What never to tell a cop

— I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

—  Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.  

— Aren't you the  guy from the Village People?

— Hey, you must've been doin' well over 100 to keep up with me. Good job!  

— I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.  

— You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

— I pay your salary!

— Gee, officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too. 

— I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

— When the officer says, "Your eyes look red — have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, officer, your eyes look glazed — have  you been eating doughnuts."

Would be funnier if not so true

A couple's elderly father needed prostate surgery. They  brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at 8 a.m. 

They were amazed when the hospital called at noon to say he could go home. 

Two months later the couple's beagle, named Bo, also had prostate surgery. 

When they asked the veterinarian what time to pick him up, the vet said that Bo would remain overnight.

"Overnight?" they said. "Our father had the same surgery and came home the same day."

The vet replied: "Bo's not on Medicare."

— Chuck Thomas is a Star columnist whose column appears on the Opinion pages each Saturday. His e-mail address is star4cthomas@earthlink.net.