Got a cat recently.

When you announce that you're having a baby, everyone applauds and cheers. Tell 'em you got a cat and they're like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I — I didn't realize it was that bad." So it goes.

When I got the cat, the owner said that he, the animal, talks a lot; and I thought, "Hey, cool, like Garfield." Turns out that talking is more like nails on chalkboard: Meeeow. Meeeeow. But then you reach down to pet him, and he runs away.

That's the difference between a cat and a dog: A dog wants your attention; a cat wants you to be "less neglectful."

If there is one thing that all cat owners have in common, it's this: We all have a box of stool in our house. And it's not the stand-off doodie that you wrap up and olé! You've got to get in there like a 49er panning for gold.

And while we're here what makes a cat take off running after he makes a deposit in the box? My Sam gains enough momentum to leave skid marks on the walls.

Cats will tolerate a certain amount of neglect with the litter box, but around Day Three they become as one of our founding fathers. "When in the course of events a cat cannot step into his box without facing yesterday's litter, he must deem these conditions intolerable and the tyrants will know his discontent by the droppings they find in the bathtub."

Tidy as cats are, you wonder why they hate a bath. My cat will die before he lets me bathe him. It's like holding one leg of a terrified wishbone. Is my tongue really that repulsive?

And do they like to scratch. To protect the couch, I bought a jungle gym that cost more than the couch, but Sam prefers the give of designer throw pillows. Good times. Good times.

Sam plays in my office while I write, so every day is Take Your Child to Work Day. "Get away from those wires!" "Stop or I'll shoot!" Seriously, I carry on my person a spray bottle. All I need is a holster and spurs. And whiskey. Lots of whiskey. (Maybe we should adopt the spray-bottle system for humans. When someone on an airplane, for instance, can't stop complaining, we just squirt him between the eyes. Sure, he'll be angry, but he'll learn.)

They say that petting a cat lowers your blood pressure, but if it weren't for the cat, maybe it wouldn't be necessary.

At the end of the day, though, when you look into those gooey blue kitty eyes, your heart turns to butter and you forgive all the — "Sam! Stop it right now! I'll show you why they call that a throw pillow "

— For more from humor columnist Jason Love of Port Hueneme, visit http://www.jasonlove.com; e-mail him at mail@jasonlove.com.