In keeping with a fine, old tradition in this space — never write a bad column when you can steal a good one — here's some of the choice e-mail humor making the rounds out in cyberspace, with thanks to Wayne Flaaten and Ern Wiley: 

Unsolicited stud service

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "He went to town with my mom."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uneasily, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy thought it over for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he said finally. "I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard." 

Trash-talking granny

During a youth baseball game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old players aside and asked: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"  The boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire or call him a pickle-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a jackass, is it?"

The boy quickly agreed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now, please go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Did you ever wonder?

— Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic wins lottery"?

— Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

— Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

— Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

— Why is the time of day with the slowest-moving traffic called rush hour?

— Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

— Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

— You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 

— Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

— If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

— Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

In search of solitude

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into an elderly lady's yard. She could tell from his collar and healthy coat of fur that he had a home and was well-taken care of by his owners.

The dog calmly came over to her, so she gave him a few pats, and then he ambled over to a corner and fell asleep.

About an hour later, he went to the door, and she let him out. The next day, he was back, and repeated the same routine for a week.

The lady was curious about this and pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who owns this wonderfully sweet dog, and ask if you are aware that almost very afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day when the dog arrived for his nap, there was a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with six children, from 2 to 8, so he's trying to catch up on his sleep. When he comes over tomorrow, may I come too?"

Free sex with fill-up?

A gas station owner in Nevada put up a sign that read, "Free sex with fill-up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

  The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the owner said: "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No free sex this time."

  A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The owner again asked him to guess the correct number. When the redneck guessed 2, the owner said: Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

"No, it ain't rigged," Bubba replied. "My wife won twice last week."

— Chuck Thomas is a Star columnist whose column appears on the Opinion pages each Saturday. His e-mail address is star4cthomas@earthlink.net.