Scripps Howard News Service

DEAR DR. FOURNIER: My 11-year-old daughter gets straight A's in school and receives high marks for conduct. She is a perfectionist and obsessed with making the best grades and being the best athlete. However, problems arise when I ask to see her homework. She tells me to leave her alone and gets so upset, even if I just want to check it. She screams at me and is very disrespectful. Do you think this is an issue, or am I being an overly concerned parent?

ASSESSMENT: Many parents will read your letter and ask if you have anything better to do than to complain about having the perfect child. However, I agree with you. I believe this is an enormous issue. In my opinion, disrespect is a much greater problem than failing in school. When children mistreat their parents, it is a sign of a breakdown in the most fundamental of all love relationships.

Your daughter seems very capable of managing her time when she chooses. However, your daughter probably behaves well in public because of her desire to succeed and gain accolades, not because of her respect and love for other people. She is so attentive to looking good in the eyes of the world that she has lost sight of the fact that a successful life without love is worthless.

I know many parents who put up with their adolescents' lack of respect because they get such good reports about their children from other people. However, this disrespect at home is the symptom of an even greater problem that will manifest itself later in your child's life if it is not properly addressed. If she doesn't love and respect her family, how can you expect your child to truly love other people she encounters in her daily life? Whether your child plans to be a teacher, a doctor or an architect, this love for mankind is the underlying quality that drives people to make the world a better place.

WHAT TO DO: The No. 1 priority for a parent is to teach his or her children how to love. Everything else - education, money, fame and position - is secondary. How is this done? The answer is simpler that you may think.

First, talk to your child. Confess your love for your daughter, but explain that you feel this love is not reciprocated. Tell her that you are very proud of her accomplishments.

Bring to your daughter's attention that her disrespect tells you that she does not love you like she should. Once your daughter sees the situation from this point of view, she may change immediately. But remember that old habits are hard to break, and her temper may flare in the future. When that happens, gently remind her of your love for each other. It is better to make a zero than 100 without the sharing and blessing of love. If she fails at love, no other "success" will ever bring her the priceless immersion in joy.

Secondly, it is very important that you foster this sense of love in the home. Be sure that you hold up your end of the bargain by showing love to your daughter. Furthermore, make sure that your daughter sees an extension of this love in your relationships with your husband, other children and extended family members. This example will go a long way in teaching your child a lesson that will have a lasting impact on her life.

-Write Dr. Yvonne Fournier, Fournier Learning Strategies Inc., 5900 Poplar, Memphis, Tenn. 38119. E-mail her at drfournier@hfhw.net.)

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