In keeping with a fine, old tradition in this space — never write a bad column when you can steal a good one — let's share some of the best current humor making the rounds of the e-mail circuit, with thanks to all the contributors:

Unartistic heist

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. His plans were so clever that he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a stupid mistake, he replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings...

"I had no Monet

"to buy Degas

"to make the Van Gogh."

(Do you have de Gaulle to repeat this joke?)

Differing viewpoints

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

His wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My heavens!" his wife said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

The cannibal effect

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase its ethnic diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later, their boss remarked: "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads and said, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

Hesitantly, a cannibal in the back row raised his hand.

"You fool!" the leader said. "For four weeks, we've been eating managers and no one even noticed — but you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

Artistic perspective

Ole Olsen, while not a brilliant painter, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for their portraits.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo, while Ole was mowing the lawn. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. The beautiful lady said money was no object — she was willing to pay $50,000.

Since this was the first time anyone had made this request, and not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, sure, you betcha. I'll paint ya in the nude — but I'll haffta leave my socks on, so I'll have someplace to wipe my brushes."

A bit too timely

As the minister was completing a sermon on temperance, with great emphasis he said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd pour it in the river! And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd also pour that in the river! And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd pour that into the river, too!"

Sermon completed, he sat down.

The choir director stood very cautiously and while trying to suppress a smile, announced,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn No. 365, Shall We Gather at the River?'"

Different strokes

Redneck College decides to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they always come in last.

Finally, the team decides to send Bubba Grits, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Bubba goes off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.

After a week, Bubba returns to Redneck U.

"Well, I figured out their secret," he announces. "We should have only one guy yelling, Stroke!' The other eight guys should all be rowing."

— Chuck Thomas is a Star columnist whose column appears on the Opinion pages each Saturday. His e-mail address is star4cthomas@earthlink.net.