Jack Tupp Guy

PARTY: Cattle-Ranching American Party

AGE: 62

EDUCATION: Graduate of the third grade, with honors

BIRTHPLACE: A pickup truck east of Dallas, TX, 1945

CITY OF RESIDENCE: San Antonio

FAMILY: Three sons; Manny, 13, Moe, 12, and Jack, 10

CURRENT OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur

MILITARY SERVICE: Fry cook in the U.S. Coast Guard from 1963 to 1971

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: Church of Scientology

About the candidate:

Jack Tupp Guy grew up in the small town of Mayberry, Texas where he raised cattle with his father Justin Uther Guy. The guy ranch fell into bankruptcy in 1958, during the Great American Beef Diet. The experience led Jack to join the U.S. Coast Guard, where he thought he could live peacefully without the constant reminders of his beefy upbringing. Ten years later, Jack returned to his origins determined to re-enlighten the public with a new breed of burgers that would be served on sourdough buns, in hopes that tragedies such the Great American Beef Diet would not be repeated.

Today, Jack has taken up the cross of bringing beef burgers to the masses by leading a nationwide campaign of commercials that emphasize his enormous head and corporate power. The commercials are also used to sell burgers and ramp up political support with beef consumers throughout the country. Despite his middle-America popularity, he has been criticized in the press for actively employing undocumented workers at his restaurants.

ON THE ISSUES:

War on Iraq: Jack believes that Iraq is at least as hot as Texas and therefore, its okay to fight there. Winning would make it possible for Americans to introduce BBq and "Texas chili" to a whole new culture of consumers.

Tax Policy: Believes that taxing wealthy Americans is "simply un american". He feels that taxing those less fortunate would motivate them to achieve higher income.

Federal Funding for stem cell research: Feels that funding for BBQ flavor-enhancement research would be a better use of American dollars and would add more to the long term viability of restaurants that serve "traditional" fatty foods.

Gay marriage: "Who did what now?"

Support for Patriot Act: Plans to initiate a marketing plan that would educate Americans about why civil liberties are overrated.

Abrotion: Never had one.

Imigrattion: In favor of imigrattion, "so long as they keep workin' fer cheap."

National health plan: Favors a national health plan, as long as it doesn't call for reduced fat intake from beef.

No Child Left Behind: Once left a child at Six Flags. Was immediately forgiven once it was realized that "it was the loud one."

Global warming:Strongly believes sweat builds character and that most states could use more of it. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

BLOGSHPERE QUOTES:

Joe's Blog: This guy's more fun than a rattlesnake in a tater sack.

Frank's Blog: Bah Humbug.

Harvest Moon's Blog: Vegetarians need to unite and stand up to beef pushers like this guy. He's trying to infect our susceptible children with offensive ideas like flavor and protein consumption.

FUN FACTS:

Early years: Voted class clown in high school.

Food: Secretly enjoys raw carrots and broccoli.

Law and disorder: Arrested on April 1, 1975 for impersonating Ronald McDonald in Austin.